


The Good Shit The Good Doctor Ordered (Or: The One Where Everyone Gets High)

by YouLookGoodInLeather



Series: Spring Bride!Cassian Universe [3]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cassian definitely didn't buy weed, Comedy, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, asexual!Elain, spring bride!Cassian universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 12:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouLookGoodInLeather/pseuds/YouLookGoodInLeather
Summary: In which Cassian definitely didn't buy weed, Azriel is definitely straight, and Elain totally doesn't just use her psychic powers to watch everyone else have sex. Oh, and no way are Lucien and Feysand banging.But Amren MIGHT have fucked a goat. That... that is the one thing that is a slight possibility.





	The Good Shit The Good Doctor Ordered (Or: The One Where Everyone Gets High)

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is pretty much incomprehensible if you haven't read my other crackfic, are unaware they Feyrhycien is my OT3, and don't know about the only true canon ship, Amren x Goats. The tense is all over the place b/c I'm supposed to be writing Rhycien porn. I haven't slept in 32 hours. So, sorry. I wrote this for my own personal lols, but if you find joy in it, #BlazeOn.

A bunch of the inner circle were just lounging about in the living room of the town house, and love them as she did, Feyre could not imagine a worse combination of people to sit alone in silence together.

First there was Lucien and Elain, which was just a fucking nightmare of confusion in and of itself, and then there was that one night that she and Lucien didn’t talk about. Actually, a couple of nights. Plus that one month where they found out he was allergic to the soap they used and he had to go around shirtless until they bought a new one. Feyre had a feeling he was still pissed at her for the fact that it happened to take a whole month just to buy new soap.

It wasn’t her fault she’d kept getting distracted.

Then there was Azriel, and who knew what the flying fuck was going on between him and Elain. He gave her phallic objects, she trailed him around. It seems pretty subtext-y was all Feyre was sayin’. Especially since ever since Lucien had returned yesterday from the Spring Court, Az had been acting all protective and refusing to leave Elain in the room with him. Hence why they were all in a room together.

Shit was getting kinda tense.

Why was Feyre there? Well, as Rhysand would say, it was because she was a _protagonist;_ A word which, according to him, meant ‘someone who always seems to be present when relevant things happen’ in fae. So, she wasn’t too surprised she found herself where she did.

Watching them all finally snap seemed pretty fucking relevant.

So they were all just sitting in silence, stiff and frozen in their respective seats, trying not to make eye contact, when from down the hallway, the front door slammed open. “Az, Beb! I have got the good shit, as promised! The good shit the doctor ordered!” A voice that was too easily identified as belonging to Cassian came yelling through to them, cutting short right as he charged through into the lounge and caught sight of them all gathered there.

In a classic-Cassian over-the-top theatrical style, he stopped dead in the doorway, paled, and made a not so subtle ‘oh shit’ face. “Uh. I mean. Az, bro, I, uh- I got the potion ingredients you requested, bro. Because we’re bros. Bro.”

Silence. Everyone save Elain looked baffled. She, on the other hand, was just frowning. She looked between the goon in the doorway, and the awkwardly frozen Azriel on the sofa beside her. “...Why are you two pretending to be not gay?”

“We’re not- Wait, how do you know?” Cassian demanded. He only puffed up his chest with greater indignity when Azriel swore and buried his face in his hands. “Az! I can’t _believe_ you told her! We promised we wouldn’t-”

“He didn’t,” Elain said quickly, flushed and all of a sudden very alert, completely altered from where she’d previously been shrunken back into the corner of the sofa. “Well, I mean, he did, but he didn’t have to. I mean, it’s kind of obvious… There’s a reason Az was the only one I felt comfortable around after- you know.”

“And I’m not acceptable because-???” Cassian asked, really focusing on the right part of that confession. Elain rolled her eyes.

“You _obviously_ swing both ways.”

Dumbfounded, judging by his slack jawed expression and glazed eyes - although that probably could have been the w- uh. _potion ingredients_ \- Cassian whispered, “Wow. You really are a seer.” Elain nodded in a wise-old-sage kind of way.

“The voices do like to whisper about your gay love and awful lot. Which reminds me, Az, when were you going to tell me about what happened over at the cottage?” She said sternly to the Illyrian beside her, who just shrugged.

“When I had the wedding invitations written.” Elain, hopeless romantic that she was, clutched at her chest and practically squeed.

“Awh, _Az-_ ”

“Hey, wait,” Cassian interrupted, not quite sure _how_ this happened but pretty sure it’s his fault. “You can’t tell anyone. None of you know, okay?” Lucien, who has been sat in stunned silence since a certain loud-mouthed bat rolled in, finally speaks up,

“Why? Rhys is _definitely_ okay with guy on guy action.” His curiosity was genuine, judging by the way in which he suddenly gagged at the realisation of what just came out of his mouth. It was his turn to make an ‘oh shit’ expression.

“Wow,” Cass said, stunted for a moment. “Okay. Did not know that.”

“I did,” Elain, the seer, who apparently is only psychic about people doing the hanky panky, added.

“Ditto,” Az chimed in, before looking over at Feyre. “Seriously, what do you and your mate _do_ to fox-boy?” He glanced in Lucien’s direction, whose face had turned as red as his hair. “Or are you always that loud?”

“Literally, you just have to poke him and he’s yelling bloody murder.” Feyre grinned.

“Um, Feyre: _Privacy._ ” By this point Lucien had sunk so deep down into his armchair that he was at risk of getting it pregnant.

“Yeah, poke him with what?” Cassian asked with a fuck boy leer and no mercy whatsoever.

“Can we _please_ get back to why _your_ secret love has to be a secret?” Lucien whined in a high pitch voice that definitely was not on the verge of desperation.

“Because,” Cassian sighed, “we don’t want to say anything under Mor comes out.”

“Cass doesn’t want to steal her gay thunder,” Az translated in a drawl, examining his nails. Feyre wandered how she’d ever thought he was straight, and then curses herself for being stereotypical.

“I just think it’s a really big deal for her, and we should let her get comfortable with it before we start getting all lovey dovey in front of her.”

“You really think I’m a PDA kind of man?” Az asked him. It is the wrong thing to say, judging by the devious glee that lights up Cassian’s smile.

“Well, if I recall correctly, back on the Continent-”

“I think Lucien has an excellent point,” Az said loudly, “Privacy, please. Now,” He crossed his ankles neatly and Feyre became confident he was now acting twice as camp as before he was outed. Especially when he started pursing his lips at his possible fiance. “What the hell were you shouting about when you blundered in here.”

Considering how Cassian was a very vital and important War General, it was a little bit worrying how well that distraction worked. “Oh, yeah. _You know._ ” He nodded slowly at Azriel, as if it could mystically transmit his meaning to him through telepathy. “About the potion ingredients you asked for. Last night.”

Azriel blinked. “...Is this supposed to mean something to me.” Cassian does not overreact at all when he groans and shakes his hands at the ceiling.

“Last night?! At Rita’s, you said, ‘man, I could really go for some we- potion ingredients right now, and I said, it’ll cost you a kiss. Well, you lived up to your side of the bargain- Well, that and _more_ , I mean hot damn boy, you kissed me allll over, especially on-”

“We should really plan some kind of privacy workshop,” Azriel announced, casually pretending not to notice the wreaths of shadows that were now throttling his ‘beb’. “Or maybe just buy Cassian a dictionary.”

Shaking himself off when he was finally released, Cassian cleared his throat and huffed. “ _As I was saying_ , I’m just coming to make good on my end of the deal. So… Az. Do you want to go, uh- Brew? Some… _potions_?” Going by facial expressions alone, Az was the most clueless in the room. There was a long, long silence, before Elain muttered something under her breath and flopped back against the cushions.

“I’m sorry, are we ladies considered too innocent for weed? Or are you just not willing to share? Because, I’m just _saying_ , I don’t mean to brag but I did kill Hybern _,_ the _tyrant who nearly murdered you all_ , so I dunno, I think I’ve earned it.”

“Yeah, plus this metaphor is doing my head in,” Azriel agreed. He smirked at Cass, and stuck his feet up on the coffee table, finally relaxing. “Get rolling my beloved Bride.”

“I told you, _you’re_ the bride. I’m never being a bride again. Not after- you know...”

“You can’t stop there,” Feyre said on behalf of them all, except Azriel, who looked little more than bored and impatient.

“Some nymphs were involved,” he explained with a shrug. “Mor and I made rude jokes about it. It was fun.”

“Oh,” Cassian started. “Actually, I meant the Tamlin thing. But that too.”

“The _what_?” Feyre did not remember this.

“Oh,” Cassian dismissed her with a wave of his hand, like it was all just something they were _totally over_ by now. “Once Tamlin and I banged and he tried to marry me. It was supposed to save you from him. But that an alternate reality timeline, so don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure you guys _need_ weed?” Lucien asked, quite reasonably.

“I may have smoked some before coming here,” Cass confessed. “Test before you buy, you know.”

“My little businessman,” Az cooed.

“You didn’t think I was so little last ni-”

“Get rolling, bride!”

 


End file.
